Broken Spines #11: Is your character an introvert or just shy?

You know, back when I was a kid and later, well into my teenage years, I had always identified myself as a shy person and yet there were times when my behaviour used to confuse me.

There were many times when I just liked staying alone and maybe reading a book or better yet, writing one but then there were also times when I would perform on stage. I used to be an Odissi dancer as a kid and I used to sing in my school choir, and no matter whether I was performing alone or in a group, I was always asked to stand in the front because my height is short.

During these times when I used to perform, I used to feel weirdly calm and actually quite confident, and this feeling used to constantly give me this cognitive dissonance…Like am I shy or not?

The answer was no.

Although, to be honest, I’ve had many fair shares of shy moments, and when I say ‘many’, I mean it in capital, bold letters. But I’m not a shy person. I’m in fact pretty expressive, very calm, confident, assertive when I have to be, and although a lot of people may not know it, I also love to party and dance and sing and have fun and do all the things that these extroverts love doing.

So, what does that make me?

I used to think that introvertedness and shyness are one and the same thing. But they are not.

Let me give you my personal example. Now, as opposed to the myth that introverts don’t have a lot of friends, I actually do have a lot of friends. I talk to everyone and sure, I feel shy the first few times I talk to someone new but I feel acquainted with people quite comfortably once I’m given enough time. And, like, especially when someone tells me that they love books or that they love One Direction, I get so close to those people. Within seconds!

Let’s take another example. A shy person would go to a social setting and then sit in a corner because they fear that nobody will like them or will listen to what they have to say. An introvert, if they choose to go out and socialize, will talk and have fun with whoever and however they want, but they can also be assertive and choose not to go.

You see, while an introvert chooses to stay alone, a shy person who may even want to socialize, would feel obligated to stay alone because they are not confident enough to fit in with other people because they fear. Introverts, however, don’t necessarily have any fears. The only reason why they choose to stay alone is because staying around people kind of drains their energy.

There even was a research study that kind of proved dopamine increase in extroverts when they had social interactions. On the other hand, although there’s no research that I have come across about introverts, but its been said so many times that introverts feel drained after social interactions.

Even for me, I used to feel so weird and confused about this because I would be out and about with my girls, having the time of my life, and giggling and doing stupid shit but the moment I would come back home, I would feel so tired that I would spend the rest of the day in my room alone, not talking to anyone. But now that I do know why that happens, I understand that I used to feel overwhelmed by too much stimulus and activity around me, and that would result in tiredness and lack of interest in things around me.

So, shy people stay alone because they are scared and are insecure about themselves in general or in a specific situation.

Shyness as you would notice is like a feeling that comes and goes. There will be situations where one might feel shy and then there might be some other situations where they might feel a bit more confident. Sometimes, in fact, even extroverts feel shy, and like I said, this shyness stems from a place of insecurity. So, an extrovert person who doesn’t think of themselves as a good dancer would most probably shy away from an opportunity to dance on stage in front of everyone.

Introversion, however, is not a feeling that just comes and goes. It’s a personality and you can’t really help it. Introverts’ preference to being on their own does not necessarily come from a place of insecurity or fear, even though that could be a possibility too. Introverts, in fact, choose to be on their own because being alone helps them refill their cup, feel less stimulated and calmer.

Of course, there could be people who are both introverts and shy. There could also be people who are introverts but they are loud and goofy. There could also be people who are extroverts and shy and people who are extroverts and outgoing!

Let’s look at why this happens to make a clearer difference between introverts and shy people.

According to research, people become introverts because of their genes and their environment. Some people are inherently just wired in a way that they don’t feel comfortable and energized in social settings, and in some cases, where the environment plays a huge role, if a person is born into a family of introverts, the person is most likely to become an introvert too because they are not used to too much stimulus and loudness.

For a shy person, however, there has been research that people who grew up in an overprotective, strict family with strict rules tend to develop this shyness overtime until this becomes like a character trait. It could also be seen that people who are shy have had instances growing up when they were shamed and criticized by elders and their friends, or people they used to admire in general, and so, this shame and constant criticism kind of quietens down the little loud kid in you.

Okay, now that we understand what it means to be shy and what it means to be an introvert, and how people develop these and incorporate into themselves, let’s talk about some common myths so that when we write our characters, we don’t end up stereotyping anyone.

MYTHS ABOUT INTROVERTS

1. NOT CONFIDENTLike I have already said, introverts can do anything and whatever they want in a social setting but they just CHOOSE to not participate as much as a more outgoing or an extrovert would. In fact, some of the most confident people you’ll come across are introverts.

2. DON’T LIKE PEOPLEIntroverts can be the most loving and the best person to spend quality time with, and they will make sure that you are having a good time with them. It’s just that they have boundaries for the sake of their own mental health and so that they can have better emotional relationships with people around them. Because of course they don’t want to pull you down with them when they are too stimulated and tired and sad themselves. It’s not rude. They are in fact more considerate and acknowledge their feelings and their health in time so that it doesn’t affect the environment around them.

3. MORE CREATIVEThis is so weirdly common and so not true. I have seen tons of introverts up close who have no interest in anything even remotely creative. They just want to be alone. It’s just that some of us use that time well by getting things done and getting our creative juices to flow, instead of doing something basic like just killing time scrolling on their phones.

4. CAN’T EXPRESS THEIR EMOTIONSSO WRONG. I’ve had some of the most amazing long and deep conversations with other introverts, and I love having those myself and I am an introvert too. Need I say more? Sure, we do have some boundaries and we don’t like to be open all the time but that honestly has nothing to do with how we feel and how we communicate these feelings

And that’s it for today! I hope you enjoyed this post and I hope you learned something new.

I actually have a favour to ask of you. If you want to make requests about character misrepresentation topics that I have not touched on yet, then please mention those in the comments below.

Thank you so much for reading!